Courses Coming Soon!

Ok, Ok, Ok…. Yes, I know, I need to get my butt in gear! After all, it’s been a year and a half since I re-did my website! But, things get busy in the office and in the classrooms! So, the good news is, I am training on a webinar platform (this tech stuff is for the birds…but it has to happen) and I figured out how to upload courses on this website thing. The bad news is, well, they’re still not up! But, they will be in the next few weeks!!

I am designing courses for the main purpose of helping people who want to hang in their own home and get some valuable information on topics around sexuality and relationships and possibly just life “stuff.” They will not be long and boring or super expensive (quite cheap actually)! I am thinking 30 to 45 min depending on how large of files my website platform allows (this shouldn’t be an issue- but who knows?).

The courses will mimic topics taught in my classrooms and in my office so they will be a combination of serious and fun and in true Deb fashion, pretty intense and straight to the point! There will be plenty of things to think about and apply both for your self, your relationship and of course critical thinking is always a good thing! One of the lessons I teach both in office and in the classroom is the art of critical thinking. Think about the what’s, why’s, where’s and when’s often! This is one of the places that growth happens! There may be things that make you feel uncomfortable, and some that make you laugh, but most importantly, you WILL learn A LOT!!

So, my friends, stay tuned and check back in a few weeks from now!

Deb

Guest Blogger: Raven James on the Long-Term Impact of Exposure to Pornography!

Understanding the Long-Term Psychological Impact of Exposure to Pornography

It’s not uncommon for young men to grow up watching lots of pornography. Unfortunately, for many of these young men, this has become their primary source of sex education. Porn is freely available on the Internet, and young males often encounter it in their early teens, with the Huffington Post putting the average age at 11 years old. As young teens grow into adulthood, this can have a long-term psychological impact.

Author of Wack: Addicted to Internet Porn and self-described former porn addict Noah Church knows all too well about the long-term psychological impact of porn exposure. Growing up in the Internet generation, Church was exposed to porn as early as 9 years old, and has been using porn consistently since he was around 13. When he had his first real relationship at 18 – which led to sex for the first time – he found himself completely unaroused. This led him to feel sexually broken, and it eventually led to the end of the relationship. “Internet porn is very different from any other media or stimulation that we’ve ever seen before," he explains. "It’s unlimited content, accessible as soon as you want it. It became more about the novelty of what I was looking at and always seeking something new than it was about reaching orgasm."

The most problematic long-term psychological impact of porn is sex addiction. GQ spoke to two men and one woman who are recovering sex addicts to see the devastating impact that sex addiction has had on their personal lives. This included loss of relationships and self-esteem, with one male even considering suicide. In a previous post on ‘Out of Control Sexual Behavior’, we talked about how the problem often stems from untreated trauma or abuse, untreated mental health problems, or unresolved relationship issues.

In order to tackle the long-term effects of porn, education needs to start early. There is no doubt that there is a lack of effective sex education during children’s formative years. This is despite the fact that the ages of 12 to 20 are highly crucial for mental development, with Psychology Today stating that this is when the human brain exhibits great neuroplasticity — in this case, billions of new synapses, “wired” by pornography.

Porn is not about to go away anytime soon, which is exactly why proper sex education must be taught at schools. The more we learn about how porn influences mental health, the more we should be concerned about mitigating or eliminating its negative and long-term effects on human mental development. The good news is that there have been some real strides towards promoting mental health as a primary goal in education. Maryville University explains how newly recognized connections between mental health and education have led to a demand for psychology professionals in various fields and industries. This will increase the number of professionals looking into the long-term impact of porn. If we hope to safeguard the mental health of our children, healthy and objective sex education needs to start during their most formative years.

Researchers from Université Laval note that watching porn recreationally is okay at healthy, moderate doses, but a compulsive need to view porn can be damaging to both teenagers and adults. As the long-term effects become more apparent, so too must the drive towards proper education that can help individuals safely explore their sexual urges.

Written for yoursexdoc.com
By Raven James

A Short Note On Trauma

Secondary traumatic stress is defined as “behaviors and emotions resulting from learning about an unexpected or violent death, serious harm, or threat of death or injury experienced by a family member or other” (Figley, 1995).

I think we are really limited on the scope of trauma. We once thought only Massive issues caused trauma and we now know that trauma is also about perception. How we perceive experiences in our environment has a direct link to whether it will be received as trauma. We also as whole do not understand trauma and in many cases poke fun at it when we do not agree with it (think Trump syndrome). The reality is that people experience things differently. We need to accept that- A great example is the above definition of Secondary traumatic stress- We can experience trauma when someone we know is traumatized- interestingly, we can also experience trauma energetically- i.e. historical trauma.

Let’s learn to stay present within ourselves and be aware of our own actions. We don’t have to “change” for anyone but if we all stood in the realm of “being a nice person” We would have less trauma.

Out of Control Sexual Behavior

Yes. It is a thing. And, therapists see a lot of it! Client’s coming in married or in a committed relationship having multiple affairs on the side-without their partner knowing. The devastation is unbelievable for unknowing partners. Yet, the behavior continues and is growing in numbers.

So, what is the story behind out of control sexual behavior and why does it happen? The answers to these questions are unique to each person of course, like all therapeutic issues. The general idea is one or more of these; a mishap in sexual messaging growing up, reinforcement of out of control sexual behavior, trauma, bipolar, low-self worth/esteem.

In an article written by Scott Church MA, LPC (2015), “Douglas Braun-Harvey (2014) defines Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB) as “a sexual health problem in which an individual’s consensual sexual urges, thoughts, and behaviors feel out of control [to them]” (p. 10). Braun-Harvey views Out of Control Sexual Behavior as a sexual problem, not a sexual disorder or illness (personal communication, February 10, 2015). Furthermore, Dr. Neil Cannon (2015) finds that Out of Control Sexual Behavior is often not about sex, but rather untreated trauma/abuse, untreated mental health issues, unresolved relationship issues, and problematic habits (p. 18).”

There’s been a long debate in the mental health field about whether there is a such thing as out of control sexual behavior-formerly called “sex addiction.” As more therapists are seeing these types of sexual patterns in the office there is strong discussion now about creating an official diagnosis called Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CSBD) (WHO, 2018). With advances in technology, allowing such easy access to sex and pornography, it is no wonder why these sexual behaviors are on the rise.

So, what do we do about it? First, any untreated mental health issues need to be worked on with a mental health therapist. When I work with out of control sexual behavior most often early on in sessions (but can come at a later time) there is a referral for a mental health evaluation by a mental health therapist, if they are not already working with one, to see if there are any issues that need to be worked on simultaneously while working on sexual value systems/messaging, honesty, self-growth, behavioral patterns, the meaning of sex, relationship issues (past and present). We will often utilize different modalities such as 12 steps as well as newer models such as Cannon (2015) uses, dealing with language (a sex problem) and exploring problematic “habits.”

Helping people through these problems is possible but the first step for individuals is admitting there is a problem- something many are not ready to do. One has to first own their behavior and not blame others. Working with relationship issues with self and others will come soon enough in treatment. With the right treatment people can control their behavior and lead happy productive lives both individually and relationally. A client can begin to look at what is sexual health- something that isn’t thought about when someone is out of control sexually.

References:

Braun-Harvey, D. (2014). Treating out of control sexual behavior [Presentation by Dr. Douglas Braun-Harvey on September 19-20, 2014 in San Francisco, CA].

Cannon, N. (2015). A strength based approach to treating out of control sexual behavior (ocsb)[Presentation by Dr. Neil Cannon on February 6, 2015 at the Buehler Institute].

World Health Organization (2017) Taken from Compulsive Sexual Behavior Is Now Recognized as a Disorder, But It Isn’t the Same as Sex Addiction (SELF, NA, 2018).

What Are Your Sex And Relationship Goals?

Do you have any?

Do you want to give yourself the opportunity to be free to be yourself? Or, do you want to stop faking orgasms? Or, perhaps, you want to be able to express more love and affection to your self and your partner?

What do you want? Do you ever think about this or do you just accept whatever is happening?

We tend to make everything else in life a priority, our jobs, our children, our stress, etc and we forget about our relationships and the glue that holds “romantic” relationships together- sex. This behavior is destined for disaster.

I invite you to make a list of your sex and relationship goals for the rest of 2019 and then again in the beginning of 2020. Make it a priority to do this. I can promise that the results will be obvious. Where we put our focus we see results- hence the phrase “energy flows where focus goes”- whatever is the focus of attention becomes more prominent.

Go ahead….make the list!

Every day do something that honors that list and watch what happens!

Self-Awareness Is The New Sexy

Is it?

This is a complicated question.

The consciousness of knowing one’s own character, motives, desires, feelings- Introspection. 

On one hand, self-awareness is one of the main ingredients to a successful life- it’s a cornerstone to emotional intelligence.  We need to be self-aware in order to know ourselves which in turn allows others to know us. It opens the door for a deep connection not only with ourselves but with others we choose to allow in to our lives.

Most of the time we as people are on autopilot.  We are not “there” enough to show up for our lives.  This usually leads to passive or aggressive reactions instead of conscious decision making.  With all the messaging coming at us from all over the place, religion, cultural beliefs, music, television, etc we get caught up in what and who we think we should be.  Then the narrative starts, the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and others. We then take up camp in that space- we live there.

There’s so much more on self-awareness but you get the picture.

Now, here’s the kicker… Since most people aren’t living consciously, when you find someone who actually does it can feel intimidating and threatening. We often don’t know how to handle “that person.” They’re a Unicorn.

We are strangely attracted to them but scared of them as well. Who are they? Are they going to see me?  What if they don’t like what they see?  Who am I?  The mind keeps turning and turning and turning.

The bottom line is people who are self-aware or working towards self-awareness are more evolved emotionally.  Practicing mindfulness, journaling thoughts and feelings, meditation, spending time in nature contemplating are all ways to bring on self-awareness. There is a stillness about these folks, an unmistakable energy.  It is sexy because it’s different.

Should we care what other’s think? Should we not work on ourselves because our partner is not working on themselves, our friends are not? Do we stay in a non-growth pattern because of other people? The answer to these questions is NO.  We continue OUR journey. We do what we feel is right because it’s the highest way to live.

To Know Thyself….

Change

Change is something that seems to be more and more difficult for people to grasp. The fear around change for many is debilitating. There are small steps to change and much larger steps to take-there’s no right way to change- as long as it is taking place. Change leads to growth. Growth and contribution are two of the major keys to life- needs of the spirit. I will talk about contribution at another time.

Change brings about uncomfortable situations, feelings, and thoughts. Most people do not embrace this. It’s often so uncomfortable that people resist change possibly more than anything else in their lives. WE have become masters at dodging the process. Yet, fail to recognize it’s the only way to grow.

As a noun change is defined as “the act or instance of making or becoming different.” While it’s true that our brains prefer predictability, our brains are also highly adaptable- it’s fear that gets in the way. The fear comes from the running dialogue in our heads- the stories we tell ourselves. Get real quiet and listen to these stories- once you get quiet you will see how loud they are. The stories need to be modified. The “what ifs”, “what will they think”, “how will I get though it”, “how can I face myself”? And, all the other fear based strategies your brain comes up with to keep you stagnant and what it percieves as “safe.”

When you hear your storyline, remember that there are choices. You can choose to say what if? Or, you can choose to say I can do this, I will do this, I am doing this.

Be careful of the “change trap” as I call it. You can’t change yourself (at least not in theory). For example, If I say, “I want to eat more vegetables for my health” is a statement of behavior. Behavior can be changed. If I say, “Today it’s time I change and becme the type of person that eats more vegetables”- you’re not re-inventing yourself to eat vegetables as the second statement implies. The second statement brings out the fear- who will I be when I change into that person? Will people like me? What if I don’t like myself?….What will they think? (ultimately, who cares but that’s for another blog). Point is when we think about change as behavioral we often soften the fear.

Small behavioral changes = EVOLVEMENT.

And, frankly, that’s what we are ALL here to do.

Stop dodging the process because of your discomfort. Look it in the eye- face it.

Separation.

Is a separation ever justifiable in a relationship?

This question is layered and one that is asked in my office often. The short answer is yes. The long answer is - It’s complicated. As with everything in life, intention is key. I ask people everyday, “what is your intention?”

Statistically, when a couple separates there’s a roughly 50/50 chance of success. Again, depending on the intention. Separations have to be done the right way and for the right reasons. I am a believer in the therapeutic value of a temporary separation with the intent on strengthening the relationship. The general consensus on the length of time is roughly six months (which can be tailored).

A separation needs to be seen as a period of time to gain perspective on the relationship- a retreat of sorts. Often, when couples get to the point of separation there have been other interventions that were unsuccessful. Often, couples are feeling hopeless at this point. In life, perception and perspective means EVERYTHING! Instead of looking at a separation like a means to an end, and letting the fear take the wheel, separation can be seen as a tool to stay together. As counterintuitive as this may seem, for many it works very well.

Of course, there are some people that this will not work well for AT ALL. If you are seeing someone else and are going to continue to see that person while separated, likely will not sit well with your partner. If you start surfing dating apps to see if the “grass is greener” you need to check your intentions. When there are REPEATED breaches of trust a separation will likely not work. If a coupe is considering a separation they need to be totally honest with themselves and their partner. If this can not be done for whatever reason then a separation is not going to lead to positive results.

So what are the rules for a positive separation/retreat?

1. Back to intention- If the intent is to work through some issues and gain some perspective then a therapist or relationship coach that works well with couples is an absolute MUST. If the intention is anything other than that the relationship is a ticking time bomb.

2. Communicate- while in therapy, you’ll likely be learning better ways to communicate, negotiate and collaborate- This is the time to put these new skills in to practice.

3. Set clear expectations- The cliche statement “trust is the foundation of every relationship” is TRUE! This is a time of rebuilding trust. And, it’s a very fragile time when it comes to emotional trust- if one person expects to have a phone call every night and the other desn’t, there’s going to be hurt feelings and emotional trust is going to start to diminish. Talk about it. What are the expectations during this time?

4. Work on tailoring the separation to fit both your needs with your therapist or coach. This will enhance the separation.

While grasping the idea of a separation may be difficult for many, there are some great books on the topic.

One of them is titled “Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go” by Gadoua. Another good one is Survive Marriage Separation: What to Say and Do to Keep Your Marriage” by Wasson. And, another great one is “Hope For The Separated” by Chapman.

Separation is a time of reflection, re-connection, and growth both individually and as a couple.

If you are in this space, follow the above rules, educate yourself, and keep your intentions in a positive place and you can get through it and have a more depthful relationship.