Personal Space. Do We Respect It Anymore?

Personal Space is loosely defined by dictionary.com as "the variable and subjective distance at which one person feels comfortable talking to another." 

Boundaries with personal space depend on many different factors that are different for everyone such as gender, type of relationship, environment, individual preference and culture.

Our world today pushes personal boundaries and pokes at personal space. In the age of technology accessibility is easier and faster than it has ever been at any time in history.  And, there is a HUGE personal and professional impact on our lives stemming from this.

Personally and professionally I have had my challenges with this. For example clients texting me outside of their scheduled session with therapeutic issues, questions in my inbox(s) asking for answers to problems from random people, invitations from random people for "meet-ups", and just random texts from people, including current and past clients.  Once in a while it is nice to hear someone is doing well- and I love to hear that. I am ok with that occasional text or email.  Everything else, however, is a violation of my personal space- and it drives me CRAZY!  Boundaries are high on my list for this reason.  It still boggles my mind why people think it is OK to text therapeutic issues?  Or why clients in the past have thought it was ok to text me on my personal time?  I've had to set some pretty strong rules around this over the years and for the most part it doesn't happen.  However, it still happens on occasion.

 I think people forget that other people have lives and they are trying, at least, to live it.  For me, it is offensive to be grocery shopping, or spending time with family or friends, or reading, or working on one of many projects and get a text from someone (especially a client violating rules that I teach them, that they often complain about in thrown personal lives).  It's like, "Hello? Are you so caught up in your own self-absorption that you don't recognize you're violating my space?" Grrrrrr......., not recognizing that these "intrusions" cause people's stress hormones to rise drastically?  And, can and often does have an impact on the therapeutic relationship?  

And, I think it's important to note that people who struggle with boundaries aren't bad people (well, some might be) but in general they are good people.  People who have good intentions but just on't realize their over stepping.  

So I question the impact of this.  And, I think people HAVE become so self-absorbed and unaware that it may not cross their mind or it does and they don't care.  I mean...after recognizing your own needs the next step (automatically) which is useful, is recognizing the needs of others (with regard to personal space). Why is this not understood by so many?  It is also important to note that those who do have issues with boundaries are not bad people-AT ALL. In fact quite the contrary in most cases. In most cases it's some level of connection being sought. 

Science is now looking at this personal space issue, examining what goes on in the brain when personal space is violated.  Brain regions that are activated are the premotor cortex in the frontal lobes and the parietal cortex.  When activated these areas serve to "protect" which is a good thing. However, when these areas are consistently activated and people are living in "protect" mode stress hormones run high.  This is one of the reasons why people "snap."  There are clear biological consequences to invading personal space-yet, it seems to be getting worse.

A while back I took a break from facebook, something I like to do to give me some space from technology.  I got several messages through my website (people actually went to my website to contact me-people I didn't know and some I knew just a tad) asking if I was ok. I thought to myself, WTF? Do I have to explain to these people what I am doing and why?  Needless to say, I felt my stress hormones rise.  I chose not to respond.  Think about that for a second, these days people think you have to answer to them? How the hell did this happen?  Is the assumption that if you are on social media or have a career that is in the public eye that you forsake privacy? What kind of self-absorbed person would think this? Apparently, the majority of people.

I think social media promotes the idea (in subtle ways) that we are all "friends."  I think many people can see therapists and coaches in this same way.  Texting and IM-ing (DM-ing) are some of the biggest violations of this, and it is absolute bullshit. A brainwashing, unaware, self-absorbed big pile of bullshit.

From a therapist's perspective, I am not sure how or why people think that they can contact a therapist outside of their scheduled appointment unless it is to ask a quick question about a therapeutic exercise or to cancel/reschedule an appointment (unless on retainer).  It's like people get into their heads that a therapist is a therapist 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  The reality of that is (and I want to be VERY clear with this)

A therapist in particular needs space away from work in order to regenerate, renew and work with clients effectively. This is called having boundaries which most therapists teach their own clients.

It is important for me to state this right here right now.  I am not defined by being a therapist.  My down time is to first regenerate, then read, go to seminars and conferences and explore ways to help ALL of my clients.  NOT to respond to your every thought. This is what appointments are made for.  And, while this may sound harsh, it is part of the layers of health and wellness that really everyone needs to be aware of.

"A respectful sense of privacy and privileged communication" (Ed Vilga).  In an age of social media chatter and irresponsible use of technology it is important to keep your boundaries clear.  

So the next time you think of texting someone other than a close friend (therapists and coaches are NOT friends) think twice.  Open up the lines of verbal communication and ask them what is appropriate when it comes to texting?  Respect their space. 

Judgement

"If we take judging of ourselves and others out of our lives, we will mostly be living in paradise"

Yogi Bhajan

We are taught judgement from a very young age and our society reinforces it daily.  Religion, television, music, our parents, the news, etc all have their direct and indirect way of auto domesticating us to be judgmental.  The judgement that we are taught is obviously not a healthy type.  It is a harsh critical judgement. It's I am better than you, prettier than you, stronger than you, I have more money than you type of judgement.  These types of judgments do not serve us well -at all.  As a matter of fact they're at the basis of self-hate, insecurity, and self-doubt.  Yet we are masters at this type of sabatoge.  It has enveloped our sense of identity. 

Abraham Maslow once said, "I suppose it is tempting if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail." He used this phrase insinuating we all have cognitive biases that we rely too much on.  We need to choose the tools that we work with very carefully as most are filled with our own biases, only what we are comfortable with, only through what we have experienced.  This then gets projected onto not only ourselves but to others as well.

A question I've asked for years has been, is there a compassionate judgment?  Can we have a judgmental thought, look at it with compassion and let it go? Can we learn to explore different ideas before we get caught up in our own cognitive biases?  It is true that if we take our time and step away from a situation that we can understand on a different level. Indeed, this is a skill that needs to be learned and practiced.  Our own unresolved issues are at the core of our biases, yet there is no blueprint to help us with resolve.

The antithesis of judgement is Self-Acceptance.  Where is it along our life path are we taught self-acceptance? That we are good enough? That we are beautiful, strong, perfect the way we are?  To separate ourselves from others and recognize the individual value we bring to the table.  Ask yourself, Do I accept myself as a whole?  This is just the beginning, a platform from where to start and a springboard of helping you realize what is actually holding you back.  When we don't fully accept ourselves we live in a space that becomes increasingly difficult to accept others.  This becomes married to our biases and before you know it we are living in a world that is full of grief and much of that grief is sub-conscious.

This isn't a post to explain to you "how to"- before you get to that you have to become aware.  This is a post to help you to simply reflect on you, what you do and how you do it.  Be honest with yourself for a moment.  Look inside and really explore where your judgement comes from. Are you insecure, afraid, angry, comfortable in chaos?  Is judgement all you know because that's what you learned growing up and learned to protect yourself with?  Stay still for just a moment and reflect on you. What comes up for you?

Sexual Wisdom

Below are really important quotes that I must say 100 times a week.  I think they need to be forever shared with you.

"Women, get in touch with your bodies. Know what feels good for you sexually, then ask it of your partner."

"Men, when you focus too much on your penis, anxiety can become center stage. This is one of the origins of Erectile Dysfunction and Pre- Mature Ejaculation. Try focusing on the Whole Body Experience instead."

"Singles, partners do not fall from the heavens - though I am sure many of us would like to believe this.  If you are single - GO OUT!  A large part of finding a mate is about being resourceful.  Ask your friends about matches, use dating websites, attend meetups, use your charm, your strengths AND your weaknesses. These are often seen as assets."

"LGBT Never let anyone tell you who and how to love.  Love and sexual attraction come from within.  And, remember, who we have sex with is a very small part of our identities.  Who we are as people - our character, our interests, how we define ourselves as human beings is at the forefront of our identities."

Taking action is the greatest skill one can possess when they want to make change.  Many of us just "think" about what we want and it becomes a fleeting thought.  Sometimes, a source of pain.  To change that you figure out what you want and start taking action steps to get there, even if they are small action steps!  Even if you feel like the action step failed- it didn't.  The fact that you did something is a success.  Keep trying and keep moving.

We All Have Sexual Wisdom...It's Innate Within Us.

Keep It Sexy --- At Every Age!

"There is no "expiration date" to your sex life. Yes, your sex life can and will change as you age. And yes, your physical capabilities will alter. But with every decade you will get wiser about your wants, and you can grow in your ability to understand and communicate what you want, what you need, and why to your partner. Yes, you can keep it sexy at every age of your life!

I can't stress enough, the need to keep an open dialogue around needs and wants as well as "likes."  My general motto is if you can't talk about sex, well, first, sex will hit a road block at some point, but more importantly, if you can't talk about sex maybe you shouldn't be having sex?  Sexual maturity is an important part of a healthy sex life and person-hood-- and no I do not mean you can't have playful, fun sex.  Sexual maturity is about knowing yourself. It's about knowing your body. It's about the desire to want to know your partner's body and what they like. It's about being able to speak clearly as well as receive clearly (the communication from your partner).

My solid belief system on life in general is growth.  A close second is exploration...And of course there are other pillars such as stress management, good healthy food, and connecting to people who support you, for example.  Keep these concepts close to you- think about them. Really think about how you inject them into your life, how they support or dismantle your sex life.  Make a list.  Hang out there for a minute.  Get organized and be honest.  After you make the list, review it and see where there needs to be change- after all, change is good- it's growth.

Small steps everyday. 

Your Sexual Health

Super Foods for Your Sex Life!

Studies show that super foods not only improve your health but also improve your sex life.  It is no secret that when you are functioning optimally you feel more "up" to having sex.

Eating super foods (and overall healthy unprocessed foods) to get the nutrition necessary for your body will over time, help you to loose weight, provide stamina, increase vitamin and mineral counts, and help with mental clarity. This makes you both a healthy person, and also a healthy sexual person.

All of these things are key to not only a good sex life but an overall healthy life.

A few books I recommend are:

Medical Medium- Secrets Behind Chronic and Mystery Illness and How To Finally Heal by Anthony Williams (all of his books are great!)

Eat Right For Your Type- The Individualized Blood Type Diet Solution by Dr. Peter J. D'Adamo

Integrative Nutrition by Joshua Rosenthal

Clean: Remove- Restore- Rejuvenate by Alejandro Junger M.D.

Fresh Organic Vegetables

I will never be able to say enough about greens. Especially organically grown greens. Eat them any way you want, except microwaved. Juice them, blend them, sautee them, steam them - whatever. Note: If you overcook them you are cooking out many of the beneficial vitamins and minerals! Fresh organic vegatbles are a super important source of micronutrients which are required for health and well-being. I juice everyday at least once, but sometimes up to three times-a-day. Green juices are my favorite and are super important for health and sexual vitality. 

Fresh Organic Berries

Berries are great because they are low glycemic and very healthy with loads of antioxidants. They are also very high in water content so they do help to hydrate you. I love berries because of their super high vitamin C levels which is a super antioxidant that all of our bodies need. It is best to buy organic berries. Others are high in pesticides. Pesticides build up in your system and bind to your estrogen receptors. This can cause a great deal of inflammation. And that will not do well for your sex life or for your overall health.

 

Raw Cacao (not Cacoa)

Raw Cacao is the highest antioxidant rich food that we know about. It is  loaded with magnesium and iron. Anadamide is one of its special ingredients. Anadamide is referred to as a "bliss chemical." Raw cacao is rich in Anadamide and makes us feel satisfied, content.

Nuts and Seeds

For the most part, nuts and seeds are amazing for your body and your sexual health. They are filled with good fats and are a great source of protein. They are best when eaten in their raw state. If you cannot find them raw, roasted comes next best. However, roasted nuts are processed. Try to stay away from those roasted in cottonseed, soy and racid-type oils, because they contain extra fat.

What is Sex Therapy?

Have you ever worried about sexual performance? Why your relationship is suffering? Or wondered if you have a sexual dysfunction?

Is it time to make a commitment to improve your sex life?

If so, I want to help.

Sex Therapy is a specialized form of therapy that allows the client (individual or partnered) to explore the origins of his/her/their sexual issues. Sex Therapy is based on the assumption that sex is positive and a meaningful part of a healthy life. Both males and females have the right to equality within the realm of sexuality. The primary mode of treatment encompasses talk therapy, emotional and mental exploration, as well as take home exercises when needed.

An important goal of Sex Therapy is developing a meaningful relationship with the self as well as meaningful relationships with others. Sexual issues can range from emotional, biological/physiological, behavioral, and psychological. Sexual issues can play havoc on an individual’s self identity, level of functioning and outlook on life. It is because of this that the etiology of Sex Therapy helps individual’s integrate healthy sexual expression into their lives.

Sexual issues can also be the product of other things happening in an individual’s life, i.e. relationship issues, trauma, depression, anxiety, health issues, medications to name a few. When in a relationship (no matter how that relationship is defined), it is important for the other partner(s) be supportive of Sex Therapy. The number one reason for this is that it allows both partners to take responsibility for improving the relationship.

With the above stated, the success of treatment depends on the client’s motivation, the client’s goals for treatment, the issue presented, and the underlying issues.

It is really important to remember- the ACTION you take is key to success.  You can be in therapy for 20 years and if you don't take action you will be in therapy another 20 years.  Taking action can be difficult as it often takes people out of their comfort zones- I get that- however, even small steps will accumulate into BIG changes in the long run!

What small (or big) step will you take today?